I was not looking forward to this topic. And can you blame me? Most of the time when something like this comes up, I'm rather tempted to pretend like I didn't see it. You know, like when you see something gross at the back of the fridge, really old spaghetti or something, and you just sort of like pretend like it's not there? You just stack stuff in front of it, and hope that magically someone else will take care of it? Or the cat makes a noise like a breadmaker, and you just KNOW he's throwing up on the floor somewhere, but you act like you can't hear it? Or if your baby is starting to smell bad, but you pretend like everything's fine and dandy, and you can't smell a thing?
Yeah. Like that.
Of all the passages in the Bible that are gonna get me into some srs trouble, this was the big one. Ephesians 5:22-33. Oh boy oh boy. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, here it is verbatim.
Wives and Husbands
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
even as Christ is the head of the church, his body,
and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ,
so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives,
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26 that he might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor,
without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
that she might be holy and without blemish.[a]
28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. 29
For no one ever hated his own flesh,
but nourishes and cherishes it,
just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body. 31
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh.”
32 This mystery is profound,
and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself,
and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
(ESV)
This is how it appeared Sunday morning, and it scared the heebie jeebies out of me. And why not? This passage seems designed in a lab to tick off as many folks as possible, those in the church as well as those outside it. Ain't nobody wants to hear that one, except for a whole buncha out of date dinosaurs who want to control women. Do regular people want to hear it? Nah, well-meaning Christians want to pretend it's not there, and anti-theists love to point it out as a failing in the faith. How could a loving God endorse such a backwards, stone age idea, that women should be submissive to men? For shame.
Of course, I naturally live in a home in which I am well in control all the time, and my wife is totally submissive to me in everything. I'm the head of the household, and we do what I want all the time. Don't believe me? Ask my wife. Okay, maybe I don't. Maybe my wife sometimes gets her way, and maybe I get mine. Or, more likely, maybe neither of us do, because our children tend to dictate how things are gonna go for the majority of the time. So how do I reconcile all of this with the Biblical idea of headship?
Well, I have an opinion. And y'all ain't gonna like it. You're not going to like it, because this whole thing ends up being a little bit close to home. You see, we Christians, and people outside the church are no different, we tend to conflate a couple of things. We tend to conflate the idea of righteousness with righteous deeds. And the two are worlds apart. We (and by we, I include me) tend to think that if we think the right things about the poor, if we believe that it's in everyone's best interests to help the unemployed, the poor, the downtrodden, all that, then it's as good as helping them. Right? The reading that I used on Sunday is a classic example of that. The image that Christ himself paints of the final judgment (and this is the only image Christ paints of the final judgment). It's from Matthew 25.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life. ”
Get that. And who is this about? Poor people, right? Poor people, sick people, people in jail, all that. But the point I was trying to make on Sunday is that this is also about your husband. Yes it is. We think about this reading as only applying to people we've never met, never seen, and who live in some foreign country somewhere. A problem that we can solve by throwing money at. But Jesus doesn't say that. He doesn't say "as long as you did this for poor people, people you've never met, people who you have never seen in your whole life, you did it for me." No, he says 'the least of these.' And maybe, just maybe, the least of these is that oaf who lives in your house. That klutz of a husband who can't cook, can't clean, and stinks up the bathroom. Maybe part of your call to service to those created in the image of God is to do things for your husband that you'd rather not be doing. And maybe, just maybe, charity does begin at home. Maybe when the Bible tells you to submit to your husband as the church submits to christ, it's telling you to model this kind of behavior. When your husband is hungry, do you feed him? When he is thirsty do you give him a drink? Do you care for him when he's sick, do you clean his clothes when he's out of clean ones? All the stuff that you think you should theoretically do for complete strangers, yet quite frequently something you don't do, or at least don't want to do for someone who lives in your home.
Likewise, Gentlemen, don't think you're escaping scott free. Don't think that this is a lesson for ladies only, and you can just say 'yeah ladies. Get to work!' Nah, the idea is there that you have some tough stuff to do, too. Again, as I said on Sunday, the idea is that husbands should love their wives as Christ love the church, giving himself up for her. And you think that this is a matter of dying for your bride in a crucial romantic, action packed way. But if it's loving your bride as Christ loves the church, get ready for things to not be a one time thing. How did Christ love the church? Yes, by dying for her on the cross, but it's more than that. It was also an entire life of loving service. Using his skills and abilities, his power for them, not for himself. When there were fishes and loaves to be multiplied, it was so others could eat. It was a life filled with literal and figurative washing of feet. Making sure that everyone else was well fed, forgiven, renewed, healed and cared for, though it meant that he had no place to lay his head. He spent so much time telling people what was good and true, even if it wasn't popular, telling folks to pay their taxes and to worship God only. It was a matter of never going where he wanted, never doing what he wanted, always working for the benefit of other people, and rarely having any time to himself. It was a life in which he laid down his life not just all at once, but an hour at a time. A minute at a time, until there was nothing left. It went as far as him being led away from everything he'd held dear, abandoned by everyone, with not even the clothes on his back, bleeding his life out for all mankind.
And we complain if we don't get to watch sportscentre.
Maybe your injunction is just as difficult as that of the ladies. Maybe everyone has something to do. And maybe, just maybe, we're each being told to live a life of service, one to the other. Maybe it's using different language, but amounting to the same thing. Maybe we're each told that the time for looking out for our own interests is over, and the time for working together is beginning. Submission and service, working for the other, and laying down our lives a minute at a time. None of this means that we're supposed to be a doormat, or to allow ourselves to be abused, or neglected, or whatever. But it does mean that we're supposed to serve the other person.
I realize how unattractive that must sound to modern sensibilities. I realize that many of you will not be happy with the idea of marriage as a life of servitude, but that's what it amounts to. But it's not just that. After hearing all about how perfect you should be as a spouse, there's something else lurking in the background. The knowledge that you're going to mess it up. That you're going to say something stupid. And you're going to have to do the ultimate. You're going to have to repent, and you're going to have to forgive.
The best fights are the ones that don't end with a winner. The best fights are the ones in which everyone ends up repenting, and everyone ends up forgiving. The best fights are the ones where you aren't keeping score, but realizing that you're probably only hurting yourselves. And maybe the best way forward is to take a step backwards, and admit that you were wrong, or if not wrong, then probably a bit spiteful. Maybe in this case, competition doesn't make a horse race. Maybe the two who are as one flesh need to act like it. And you won't get to that point by focusing on who is right. You'll get to that point by the very very unglamorous notion of service, repentance and forgiveness.
Do you like this? Probably not. But ask yourself how far you think you'll get in a marriage in which it's one pitted against the other. If you take it seriously, you're one flesh now, one family. And your left side doesn't keep score against your right. You need to work together, and when you can't you need to confess, forgive, and move on. Wives and husbands need to look out for each other. They need to bear one another's burdens, and by doing so, fulfill the law of Christ.
Have a good week everyone.
PJ.
Of course, I naturally live in a home in which I am well in control all the time, and my wife is totally submissive to me in everything. I'm the head of the household, and we do what I want all the time. Don't believe me? Ask my wife. Okay, maybe I don't. Maybe my wife sometimes gets her way, and maybe I get mine. Or, more likely, maybe neither of us do, because our children tend to dictate how things are gonna go for the majority of the time. So how do I reconcile all of this with the Biblical idea of headship?
Well, I have an opinion. And y'all ain't gonna like it. You're not going to like it, because this whole thing ends up being a little bit close to home. You see, we Christians, and people outside the church are no different, we tend to conflate a couple of things. We tend to conflate the idea of righteousness with righteous deeds. And the two are worlds apart. We (and by we, I include me) tend to think that if we think the right things about the poor, if we believe that it's in everyone's best interests to help the unemployed, the poor, the downtrodden, all that, then it's as good as helping them. Right? The reading that I used on Sunday is a classic example of that. The image that Christ himself paints of the final judgment (and this is the only image Christ paints of the final judgment). It's from Matthew 25.
The Sheep and the Goats
31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life. ”
Get that. And who is this about? Poor people, right? Poor people, sick people, people in jail, all that. But the point I was trying to make on Sunday is that this is also about your husband. Yes it is. We think about this reading as only applying to people we've never met, never seen, and who live in some foreign country somewhere. A problem that we can solve by throwing money at. But Jesus doesn't say that. He doesn't say "as long as you did this for poor people, people you've never met, people who you have never seen in your whole life, you did it for me." No, he says 'the least of these.' And maybe, just maybe, the least of these is that oaf who lives in your house. That klutz of a husband who can't cook, can't clean, and stinks up the bathroom. Maybe part of your call to service to those created in the image of God is to do things for your husband that you'd rather not be doing. And maybe, just maybe, charity does begin at home. Maybe when the Bible tells you to submit to your husband as the church submits to christ, it's telling you to model this kind of behavior. When your husband is hungry, do you feed him? When he is thirsty do you give him a drink? Do you care for him when he's sick, do you clean his clothes when he's out of clean ones? All the stuff that you think you should theoretically do for complete strangers, yet quite frequently something you don't do, or at least don't want to do for someone who lives in your home.
And we complain if we don't get to watch sportscentre.
Maybe your injunction is just as difficult as that of the ladies. Maybe everyone has something to do. And maybe, just maybe, we're each being told to live a life of service, one to the other. Maybe it's using different language, but amounting to the same thing. Maybe we're each told that the time for looking out for our own interests is over, and the time for working together is beginning. Submission and service, working for the other, and laying down our lives a minute at a time. None of this means that we're supposed to be a doormat, or to allow ourselves to be abused, or neglected, or whatever. But it does mean that we're supposed to serve the other person.
I realize how unattractive that must sound to modern sensibilities. I realize that many of you will not be happy with the idea of marriage as a life of servitude, but that's what it amounts to. But it's not just that. After hearing all about how perfect you should be as a spouse, there's something else lurking in the background. The knowledge that you're going to mess it up. That you're going to say something stupid. And you're going to have to do the ultimate. You're going to have to repent, and you're going to have to forgive.
The best fights are the ones that don't end with a winner. The best fights are the ones in which everyone ends up repenting, and everyone ends up forgiving. The best fights are the ones where you aren't keeping score, but realizing that you're probably only hurting yourselves. And maybe the best way forward is to take a step backwards, and admit that you were wrong, or if not wrong, then probably a bit spiteful. Maybe in this case, competition doesn't make a horse race. Maybe the two who are as one flesh need to act like it. And you won't get to that point by focusing on who is right. You'll get to that point by the very very unglamorous notion of service, repentance and forgiveness.
Do you like this? Probably not. But ask yourself how far you think you'll get in a marriage in which it's one pitted against the other. If you take it seriously, you're one flesh now, one family. And your left side doesn't keep score against your right. You need to work together, and when you can't you need to confess, forgive, and move on. Wives and husbands need to look out for each other. They need to bear one another's burdens, and by doing so, fulfill the law of Christ.
Have a good week everyone.
PJ.
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